Second Hand Sci-Fi Night

20th May 04

Space Mutiny is a dire space movie which, despite robbing all it's special effects from Battlestar Galactica, could only be saved by running it through the Mystery Science Theatre 3000 spin cycle.

Don't Ask Don't Tell, on the other hand, just goes to show what two disturbed minds can do with an old alien invasion killer B-movie, a rented sound stage and far too much time on their hands...

This evening's entertainment is presented by Jim in association with the Slab Bulkhead Steroid Rehabilitation Society.

Space Mutiny (1984)

Plot
Muscle bound hunk in lycra and his mum save Battlestar Galactic from Kalgan and his lobster boy sidekick...

Jim
Mystery Science Theatre 3000 is a little understood phenomenon here in the UK, but I've always been a big fan. While Space Mutiny is by no means one of the classics (so... Manos anyone?) it still holds it's own by being one of the most hilariously bad sci-fi movies ever made. Our evening was marred by the realisation that the later seasons (this was season 8) suffered from some seriously unfunny host segments, but the film itself is a doozy.

Big McLargehuge's romantic liaison with a woman old enough to be his mother, Kalgan's skull popping efforts, the woman who dies and is then in the very next scene; I could go on for hours.

And that's before I mention the golf cart racing or the railing kills...

Zomblee
"Is there no shame in the future?" Fantastic stuff this. As Jim has pointed out, the host segments disappointed in a "GET ON WITH IT!" kind of way, but the meat inside this MST3K sandwich tastes good enough to be Dawn of the Dead era human flesh...

Space Mutiny is an absurdly bad film. One thing the 'film makers' did have going for them was an incredibly enthusiastic stunt team, who were indeed rather keen on throwing themselves over railings in an "Aaagghhhh! I've been shot by Dave Ryder so I best throw myself over this railing, here goes....Aaaaggghhhh!" This type of death happens so often you can't count it (or maybe like me, you couldn't be arsed).

Strangely enough, you will recognise many of the actors that appear in this "film". What i can't work out is how they didn't realise what a piece of shit they were involved with. Any actor reading a script that involves something called a "space status card" surely must know what they're getting themselves into...

In my humble opinion, this film directly opposes the law of the universe... but its hilarious.

Rawshark
Let's get one thing straight, Space Mutiny is without a doubt the worst film I have ever seen. Yes, worse than Jaws 4: the Revenge, worse than Battlefield Earth, hell, it's even worse than Plan 9 From Outer Space.

Special Effects (when not blatantly stolen from Galactica) seem to have been created on an old VIC20 computer, the dialogue seems to have been written by a five year old - "Oh, c'mon, I woulda got out of that situation no problem" - and the acting? Oh, don't get me started...

The plot is execrable (yes, I had to look up that word too..) and some scenes in the film seem to have come from an entirely different movie (what on earth are 10 women - the Bellerians - doing dancing around a plasma-sphere?) The film is all 80s leotards and 'big hair'. The romantic female lead is supposed to young, but is actually in her mid-40s (which makes her hula hoop routine in the space disco even more unnerving). Oh, I could go on and on...

Thankfully we have the MST3K team, who welcome ironic relief to the plotless action. Oh, and if you do manage to stay tuned until the final 5 minutes, watch out for the hilarious last 'Golf Cart' chase. The moment when our hero Slab Bulkhead aims his cart at villain Kalgan, then screams, before stopping abruptly and jumping out is priceless.

"Take that you big bitch!"

Don't Ask Don't Tell (2002)

Plot
50s US Air force ace is brainwashed by invading gay aliens who want to make the world gay using their big gay beam...

Jim
I first caught Don't Ask Don't tell at the Sci-Fi-London convention in 2002, and it knocked me for six. Essentially, the writing duo of Tex Hauser and Doug Miles (whose previous credits include Beastmaster 2, no less) took the awful 50s B-movie Killers from Space and 'refried' it. That is to say, they completely re-edited that turkey, overdubbed all the actor's lines with their own material and added a few extra, specially filmed scenes, just for good measure.

Whether Peter Graves can sleep peacefully at night any more is anyone's guess, but it's hard not to laugh at lines like “About your husband, Mrs Fartin. Let’s just say you could blow me right now and it wouldn’t be adultery.”

If you know what I mean, do you know what I mean? I think you know what I mean…

Zomblee
"Stop Fartin!" Ok, so high brow humour this ain't, lets make that clear. What we got here is a bunch of gags from grown men having a great time. I would so love to do something like this - get an old (and very crap) movie, and overdub a new script. The result is hilarious, and it leaves you wanting to see the original version of Killers from Space!

Peter Graves plays the lead. Who is Peter Graves, I hear you ask. Well, at this particular Zombie Club, after we watched two really bad films, Airplane! was on the TV, and it was noticed by the undead that the pilot in Airplane! was in fact the same man seen to be fighting "gay urges" in Don't Ask Don't Tell! Weird!

Don't Ask Don't Tell completely worked for me; I could watch this sort of stuff forever. Any film with a character called Doug Fartin (with his 9 inches of throbbing manhood) gets my vote.

Yes Jim, I know what you mean... now where's my helium?

Rawshark
Jim has been ranting and raving about this 'fabulous' film for months now, so it was with much anticipation that we finally managed to plonk our asses down on a comfy sofa and watch this fabulous slice of surreal silliness.

Now, this is the film we at Eatmybrains get excited about - a fabulous concept, classy low-budget execution and plenty of laughs. The overdubbing of the original film is first-rate, many times you could swear the cast are actually uttering the fabulously updated dialogue. The insert shots (special mention must go to Lloyd Floyd in several fabulous character appearances) are fabulous - especially the fabulous 'eating blueberry pancakes of your butt' scene.

If criticism must be made, it's the fact the joke does start to wear slightly thin towards the end of the film, but don't let this detract you from the overall package. The fabulous dance sequence, the helium-addicted doctor, the fabulous overuse of the word 'fabulous', cracking dialogue - "it might be poopy", a fabulous soundtrack and the ping-pong eyeballed aliens - "we are the people who make people gay" - are all worth the price of admission alone.

Fabulously licentious (yes, I had to look that word up too!) - buy it, blag it, steal it, and then show it to all your friends.

Conclusion
So there you have it ladies and gentlemen. This week's entertainment was a break from the norm, but they do say a break is as good as a rest. Space Mutiny is a classic piece of 80s badness bought back to life by Mike and the bots, while Don't Ask Don't Tell is easily the best movie this side of Beastmaster 2. Not much gore tonight, but plenty of laughs.

See you next week, although in the mean time you guys should check out the Don't Ask Don't Tell home page. They love us over there...